For I know the plans I have for you...

Quinton Oliver Wall

2011-10-20T16:38:00.002-05:00

Sorry this is so late, but on September 20th 2011 @ 6.36 pm Quinton was born. He lived for 27 wonderful minutes where he sneezed a lot ( apparently just like me:) and when hank held him near my face he tried to move up against me! and even opened his eyes a little! It was so special!

The Labour and delivery went really well, From when the nurses said I was actually in labour to when I had Quinton was just over 2 hours! there were no complications and I didn't need any pain meds (other than the gas mask) so I felt great after! We held him and loved him until he went to be with Jesus and older brother Noah in Heaven. It was wonderful and horrible all at the same time, wonderful we got to see him alive, horrible that we had to give him up.

We had the Funeral/Memorial for him on Sunday the 25th and It was so nice, we were so thankful to everyone that supported us by being there and those that supported us in prayer! we had a balloon release after we closed his grave which was beautiful. we had 100 blue balloons with butterflies attached for Noah and the same thing but green balloons for Quinton. What was really cool is that the balloons headed north but someone commented on my moms blog that they found one of Noah's and Quintons balloons side by side in a field down in the states! I was so happy to hear that! I will try to post pics soon!

Baby Wall #3

2011-05-31T12:24:00.002-05:00

So on March 30th in the afternoon was our first ultrasound (12 weeks) I had been very nervous, scared, excited, and really tried to be calm and have faith that no matter what the outcome God is there for us. We get to the ultrasound room and the tech started the ultrasound, she was looking around for awhile but I had already seen. I seen that the neural tube had not closed and there was a puffyness around the baby's head which is part of the brain. I desperately tried to convince myself that maybe I didn't know what I was seeing and that the baby was fine. Deep down I knew that I was seeing the brain. (also we have been to at least 8 ultrasounds with the last 2 babies so I kinda new what I was looking for and at already). Hank then asked the tech if the baby was healthy, before she responded I looked at Hank and shook my head, and she then said no I am sorry this baby has Meckel Gruber. I couldn't believe my ears even though I already knew, why are asked to give up another baby, how am I going to handle and get through this again? She was so kind and just rubbed my arm as I broke down on the bed. They got the Dr in as well to confirm and take another look and he also said that he could see the kidneys already ( which you never should be able to at 12 weeks) so that was another sign that it is again MG. After that we just wanted to go home so we didn't speak to the geneticist or anything at this visit.

At our second ultrasound at 16.5 weeks we saw that the kidneys are huge!( from cysts) and from what I can tell will be bigger than Noah's. we saw the extra finger on each hand and the extra toe on each foot ( the third and final marker of Meckel Gruber) We found out that we are having another boy! and his name is Quinton Oliver. It is so hard to see our baby with such a big belly and the brain that is partway outside his scull. I know I shouldn't feel this way since there isn't anything that we can do to change the outcome since it is genetic, but I feel like a horrible mother that I cant have all healthy kids.

at 17 weeks I started to feel him kick and he is a strong one!! With Noah I felt it at 21 weeks and with Zander at 19 weeks. I was startled to find out that you could feel it so soon! He moves soooo much almost constant and I love feeling it especially since it is one of the few things I get bond with and to keep in my memory. We are doing ok, and are so thankful to everyone who brought us suppers and for their prayers they DO help!! I felt like I hadn't morned this baby at all yet and was almost feeling bad cause it was like I was just trying to forget about it and pretend it wasn't happening which was easier when I couldn't feel him move. but just this last week has been horrible for me i find myself crying sometimes for and hour straight trying to stop but not able to. and this went on for the whole week, I guess it needed to come out and it was probably good for me to cry. So please keep us in your prayers as we have to go through this all again! Our next ultrasound is June 8th and we are looking forward to seeing him again since we get about 40 min of just watching him on the screen every time and its amazing and special!

On a cute note if I ask Zander where Mommy's baby is he pats my belly, hugs and kisses it and it warms my heart every time:)

Its been awhile!

2011-03-10T14:37:00.011-06:00

I can't believe how long its been since I have posted! We went to Mexico in December for a cousins wedding and took Zander with us! We were really worried how he would do on the flight and at the resort. He did so amazing! He didn't cry at all on the flights, and he was almost perfect out there, he even cut 2 teeth out there!

In Feb out little Zander turned 1! boy has that gone by fast! Also we found out that we are expecting again! We are so excited but also a bit nervous, praying for a healthy baby! for the most part we have been at peace about it. Our first ultrasound is March 30 so please keep us in your prayers! I will keep updating, I promise it won't be so long next time lol.

Update

2010-08-30T23:15:00.006-05:00

Our first family picture (only and hour old)

Zander 3 days old

3 weeks old

4 weeks old

My dad just watching Zander sleep

After bath time

Nana & Papa with Zander

Auntie Vikki with Zander

First trip to Grandforks and swimming

First Air show (3months)

The way Zander slept at 4 months

It has been a long time since I have posted! Life just has been so wonderfully busy, being a mom is even better than I had ever imagined:) Zander has been such a content happy baby, we have been very blessed with that. He is now 6 and a half months and growing like a weed, he rolls all over the place, sits by himself, and just today started to give us hi fives when we ask him for one! such a smart little guy! He is growing so fast I can hardly remember him as a little baby!

I miss Noah like crazy still, every time Zander does something new or cute It is so bittersweet for me. because in the back of my mind I am so sad that I never got to see Noah do those things and it hurts so much. Sometimes when Zander is being super cute I actually start crying because I am so happy that the Lord has blessed me with a healthy baby!

This summer we (or I should say Hank) rebuilt our over 600 sq feet deck since our old one that came with the house was rotting through and we could hardly walk on it. After the deck was almost done we found a cheap used 16 foot pool that we bought for beside the deck, and Zander loves swimming in it!

My sister and her boyfriend got engaged this summer and I am going to be her maid of honor! so now that the dress is bought no getting pregnant before next year lol. This summer as well was my parents 25th anniversary and also my dads big 50th birthday! cant think of anything else to write about so I will just put up some pictures.

Zander David Wall

2010-02-23T01:03:00.003-06:00

We finally got to meet our little boy! Zander was born on Feb 7th at 11:10pm and weighed 8 lbs 3 oz, and was 21.5 inches long.

On Sunday morning at 3 am I thought that my water had broken. It wasn't a lot but it was noticeable, so I laid back down and then got back up about 10 min later and had it happen again. Then I knew for sure that it was my water, Hank was not very happy because we had only gone to bed around 2:30 am and he had a pretty bad headache! My contractions were not coming on so at 1:30 pm on Sunday they had to induce me. By 2:30 my contractions were pretty painful but I got through them until around 9:00 pm. By then they were in my back and very painful but I did not want the epidural again because it did not work out the best for me last time. They checked me at that point and I was only at 3 cm! ( I went in being 2.) I was very discouraged and they decided to let me try the morphine. Waist of time! all it did was make me a little light headed but did nothing for the contractions.

By 10:00 I was ready to try something else for pain. Dr Nause came in then and said That I could not have some of the pain meds because they could not mix with the morphine. She decided to check me again because of the way I described the pain of the contractions, and told me that I was almost 10 cm! That was really good for me to hear because I got focused again and told myself I could do it! ( I can't believe I went from 3 to 10 in an hour). They gave me the laughing gas to just take the edge off the contractions to get me through till pushing. With the next few contractions I could feel my body pushing and I was not doing it! I told her and she checked me again but told me to try not to push because My cervix was not quite ready and she did not want me to tear from the inside, but I told her that I could not help it that my body was doing it all on its own! And then I started to push with them!

She was able to slip the cervix over the babys head and told me that I could push that it was all good now. And 3 pushes later( about 10 min altogether) Zander David was born! I could not believe how fast that went since with Noah I pushed for 4.5 hours. I thought for sure that I had torn since he came out so fast but she told me that I did not tear at all! I was so thankful. They put him on my chest when he came out it was so wonderful! I kept saying I have a baby and he is alive! The most wonderful moment of my life! it was so neat because his eyes were open already and he was looking at me! Then he started to pee and it almost landed in my mouth! They stopped it just in time. Once they cleaned the room up I tried feeding and he latched on right away which I was happy for, glad that there was no problems with that.

After I was done feeding my family came in, another wonderful moment! and we talked a bit and passed him around. Hanks family then came in and Hank told him that we had named him Zander David after my dad, I think we surprised him with that one! Everyone didn't stay long since it was after 12 already. A big thanks everyone who prayed for our little miracle!!

Almost There!

2010-02-02T20:20:00.002-06:00

I now have 14 days left till my due date! I am really nervous, excited, and so much more, it still feels unreal that this time I will be able to take our baby home with us! Our nursery is finished now and I love just sitting in there and rocking on the rocking chair just looking around and day dreaming about what it will be like with my little boy.

We went to Texas Roadhouse for Hanks birthday, I wasn't sure if I should go since I am so close to my due date and It is a bit of a drive. But we went anyways and it was sooooo good! we also picked up a lot of stuff for the house since we are slowly working on finishing the basement. I am very nervous about going into labour going through all the pain again lol, Please think and pray for me as my date gets nearer!

12 Weeks and 2 Days to go!

2009-11-23T14:26:00.002-06:00

I can't belive that we have only 12 weeks to go! So far all we have ready for the baby is new rug in the baby room! On wednesday we are going to the city with my parents and we hope to be buying lots of baby things. It is such a different and wonderful feeling for us to actually get something ready, with Noah we had decided not to so that we would not have to walk past an empty nursrey every day.

My specialist appointments are all done! my last one was at 22 weeks and everything was looking just as it should so now I just have my regular Drs appointments! My next appointment is going to be Dec 11 and I have to take the sugar drink to test for pregnancy diabetes, I am a little worried about that I have heard it tastes awful. In winkler all they do is a thumb prik to test for that, but in morden they like to do this test because she said it is way more accurate.

I have been debating on the whole H1N1 flu shot and after lots and lots of thinking, praying, and reasearching I have desided not to get it. I am hoping that I made the right choice and with it being so new and so little testing on what it may do to unborn babies I could not risk that not after losing one already. (But that is just my opinion).

It has been almost a year since we lost Noah on December 12th. We are not sure what we want to do that day yet since we have never had to before. but I want to make it special anyone have any ideas?

I will be posting some pictures of me and of baby #2 soon!

We are having a ......?

2009-09-29T19:52:00.002-05:00

So at our last ultrasound Hank and I decided to find out if we were going to be blessed with a boy or girl (If the baby cooperated:) ). It turns out that our baby was VERY anxious for us to find out! We decided that for the time being we would just keep it to ourselves and enjoy knowing. It was kind of fun not telling anyone! My sister called me at 12am and whined " you have to tell me I am your only sister!" and I also heard some "Don't you want us to start buying you presents?" yeah it was fun!

A little while ago Hank and I decided that it was time to finally let everyone know. We decided to play a game with them and we wrote out a saying that did not full out say Boy or Girl but changed it up a bit to be a bit harder. After we wrote out the saying we gave them just a sheet with blanks ( ----/---/----/--/---/---/---/-------/etc) and every day they could choose 1 letter of the alphabet and we would tell them where all on the paragraph that letter would go. We figured that would be fun! My family figured it out only using 5 letters! Hanks sister and brother in law got it with 7 letters and Hanks other sister and brother in law had all but 3 of the letters!

This was our saying:
When you come to see our new family, you will find yourself holding a beautiful baby dressed in sapphire!

And everyone was stuck on the sapphire because they all thought that it was spelt with only one "P". So as you all know now we are having another baby boy! we are so excited! I think it was only 4 minutes after we gave my mom the 5th letter she calls back to read us what she got, I was shocked! I never expected any one to get it in 5 letters! Crazy...

Ultrasounds

2009-09-08T22:05:00.002-05:00

Sorry it has been way to long since I have posted I have had a couple people tell me to get my butt in gear! So here it is...

Our first ultrasound was July 29th I was 11 weeks and 6 days, We asked my dad to come with us because my mom and sister had been to Noahs and he never could cause he had to work. (this was the week of his holidays). I was very nervous because of the 25% chance that this would happen again, but tried to keep positive and just kept praying. We get there and we find out that we got the same Ultrasound Tech as last time! We were so happy she is just so nice! The reason they gave us a ultrasound at around 12 weeks was so they could do a Nuchal Translucency scan which measures the liquid that is in the back of the neck at this stage. Too much and it is a bad thing.

As I lay there on the bed I just wonder if there is even a baby in there! and so many other thoughts were running through my head. As soon and she put the wand on my tummy we saw the most beautiful baby with such a beautiful head! (It was very hard for us to see Noahs face and stuff on his ultrasounds). But she wasn't saying anything so we were getting nervous. Finally she said that first of all I was only 10 weeks and 6 days so they changed my due date from Feb 12 to Feb 17th, second of all she said becuase the baby isn't the right size for the test we would have to come back in 2 weeks. but she looked at the head and said that at this point she wasn;t suspicious of anything! We were so happy! and she gave us some pictures which I will add once I get them onto a cd!

Our second Ultrasound on Aug 11th my sister came with, today they would actually do the test, I was not as nervous for this one because of the hope they had givin us the time before. We see the baby on the screen nice round head! and boy the difference of the baby in just 2 weeks is amazing! she did the measurements and told us that it was well within the normal range! and the head looked completely normal! She also got to see a hand and found only 4 fingers and a thumb! Noah had 6 fingers and a thumb. So that was another good sign! she than put a different wand on and we got to see the baby in 3D! That was so neat! the baby is soooo cute and it was a bit lumpy lol. So when she was done she walks to us with the pictures that she printed and she had givin us so much they were dragging on the floor!

Today September 8 we went in for our final test, they are going to look at the kidneys. Again I felt fine as we were driving in but as soon as we had to wait for a bit I started to get really nervous and even when I was lying on the bed my heart was pounding and my hands were shaking. Hank held them down for me! she takes a look at the baby for a few seconds does some measuring which felt like a very long time! and says the kidneys look fine you can relax! she finished all the measuring and checking showing us everything and the baby was anxious to show us what he or she was! so we did find out what we are having we are keeping it just between Hank and I for a little while and then we are telling people! This baby was just in the weirdest positions so cute! She also gave us the results of the AFP blood test and she said that everything that it tests for was perfect! We are so happy the Lord is so wonderful! the dr came in this time just so they could see and that made me nervous cause she took a long time looking! but she said to me its all normal I am just looking! Once we got out of there It had been an hour! I called my mom to tell her the good news and she had said she was getting nervous already with how long it was taking since the other 2 were just 15 min.

One thing with this pregnancy I have been thinking about Noah so much especially since this one is healthy I miss him so much more becuase now I will know exactly what We were missing out on buying the baby stuff, acutally setting things up having a baby to take home in the end. On the 12th it will be 9 months since he was born, in some ways that feels like such a long time ago and that time flys, but in others it feels like yesterday when i had let someone I didn't know take him out of my arms and walk out of the hospital with MY son in a box, taking him away from me forever. When I think back that was one of my hardest things I had to do and deal with, with this whole thing, worse than the funeral worse than watching him get lowered into the ground.

Anyways back to positive thank you to all who have kept us in your thoughts and prayers!

Baby #2!

2009-06-23T11:01:00.002-05:00

I just wanted to let everyone know that Hank and I are expecting our second baby! Baby #2 is due February 12/2010! We are very excited and yet very nervous. Our first Drs app is at 13 weeks and from there we get our first ultrasound at 16 weeks! I am actually going for blood test on wed the 24th to check some kind of levels since I had a bit of spotting last sunday so please pray that everything will be fine!

We had gone to our nephews 1st bithday party and Hank had a really hard time being there, he said he just couldn't stop thinking about Noah and he should be there and how we should be able to have a 1st birthday party for him as well! He then told me that he wanted another baby very badly, so when I found out I was pregnant I could not wait to tell him! The morning I took the test I wrote on a fathers day card and signed it from Jolene, Noah and Baby Wall. It also had a bib in there that said I love my daddy. At first when he saw the bib he just thought that it was supposed to be from Noah, but then I guess he figured it out when he read baby Wall! He was super excited, that was fun.

My sister Victoria had come over in the evening that day and we hadn't put away the card yet, so as we were cleaning I looked over and saw her reading Hanks fathers day card! little snooper! so she found out that way lol.

It was really fun telling our parents! For my parents we did it on our fathers day gathering. (for Noah we did it on mothers day). My sister was in on it since she had already found out and she gave dad her present and card saying it was from the both of us even though it was not. And then I had just asked her where did we hid dads other gift? and she at first didn't follow along but then she got it and she had said I think we put it in the oven! so we made everyone come to the oven and dad opened it to find: a bun in the oven with pink and blue ribbins on it. Mom right aways sreams is there a bun in the oven???? while flaling her arms lol. Meanwhile my dad is still just staring at the bun not getting it prob thinking that duh there is a bun in the oven! My mom comes to me and rubs my tummy and said to him again.. there is a bun in the oven! then he finally got it and all the hugs started!

We then went to A&W picked up a grandpa burger . Hank had just called his mom to say that we needed to talk to them and it was very important (he made it sound like something bad!) then we went over there and started to talk to them and hank said I guess there is no way but to show you, then he held out the grandpa burger and they were all excited but I bet half of that was relif for it not being something bad! So that evening was really tiring! but lots of fun! Once I have the pictures I will add them to this post!

Mexico!!

2009-05-11T13:46:00.009-05:00

It has been such a long time since I have posted so I an starting off with February.

We had been debating on going on a trip somewhere after we had Noah just to get away, We were all over the place with Ideas we were thinking Alberta, Minneapolis and somewhere warm. We were trying to convince friends and family to come with us, and we had talked to a great couple friend of ours John and Tiff and they said sure lets go for it! So we planned and planned and then booked our vacation for Feb 24 to March 3 at the Riu Caribe in Cancun Mexico!

The View from our room (above and Below pics)

Also the view from our room

The Lobby

Our resort

We had booked our trip off of red tag.ca and were wondering if everything was going to turn out well. Everything had worked out fine! We had an amazing time out there and it did wonders for us! I am so glad we actually did go and that our friends came with us so amazing! I am going to post a few pictures of our trip.

Our Room

Hank and John

Hank and I at a local Resturant

Tiffany & I

My Toes

Xel Ha!

Dressed up for a fun night

So that was our trip! We have been so blessed with friends and family and all there love, support and prayers! And with the wonderful Women I have met online and have gotten very close to, who are going through or have been through Meckel Gruber themselves. Thanks Everyone! And also if you could keep 2 of my friends in your prayers as well, One of them is pregnant again and is in the waiting game of finding out if there baby is healthy or not. Another friend Nicole, just found out a few weeks ago that there baby most likely has MGS as well.

Mothers Day was hard for me but we went to Winnipeg for the weekend and had lots of fun, so that helped out alot! Hank sent me flowers at work that were from him and Noah, and bought me a book series that I love! My parents and my sister bought me a white box that has pictures of Noah on the sides of it and flowers inside that can be used as a box for special things when I plant the flowers!

Also I have been back to work for a while now and It is a good thing, this way I have schedule again and not just sitting at home by myself.

Jolene

Birth Story

2009-02-12T10:14:00.003-06:00

Well, it has now been 2 months as of today. I can't believe that its been that long. I am feeling much better and I guess it is high time for me to post my birth story!

We went in on December 11/08 at 7 am to be induced. It took a while before contractions started it was around 3:15 pm that i could finally feel them! We watched 3 movies while we waited, Enchanted, rush hour, and the bucket list. My sister came to bring me some choc puffed wheat squares (she knows they are my fav). At around 7 my mom, dad and sister came to visit me and for that time Hank went to his shop, cause he needed to see how things were going. They stayed till about 8 by then my contractions were 1 min apart and they started to become painful. At 8:30 I asked if i could have something for the pain and they gave me an Epidural. I was so scared of the needle! it work really fast and felt nice. Until, both my legs went numb, but they said that it happened sometimes. they lay me down and after awhile i went to itch myself and i couldn't feel anything! I told them that and they took off the drip. I was frozen from my chin down and when they started taking my blood pressure and checking if i could feel anything i was starting to freak out because i knew that, that did not happen to everyone! My mouth got so dry so i wanted some water. At that time i found out that i couldn't swallow properly and choked on the water. I also started to feel very lightheaded and wanted to fall asleep but i was so scared I thought that i was going to die if i would close my eyes because i was also having a very hard time breathing. I think Hank was ready to laugh at me for overreacting! I can laugh about it now but it was really scary for me!

My Dr was about to go home but before he left he checked me once more and i was 9 cm already and just an hour and a half before i was only 3! I started to push at 12:00am and pushed for an hour when the Dr came in and told me that my cervix wasn't at 10 cm yet so they made me stop pushing for 1/2 hour. That was very hard! So at 1:30 They let me start pushing and I spent 2 hours trying to get his feet out! one of his feet was stuck inside and as soon as we would get 1 foot out he would actually push himself back in! I was getting a little frustrated at that point because that had been going on for 2 hours. Finally around 3:30 ish we got both feet out! At one point he was almost out but i started to give up because of pain and i guess my emotions, it took me awhile for me to be able to push again. I kept asking the Dr how many more pushes? and he just smiled ( I think he was probably thinking that if i would actually be pushing he could maybe tell me something!) I also wonder how many times they would have liked to laugh at me because also at one point when i was giving up I was apparently trying to climb out of the bed! I can only imagine! Another nurse had finally come in with a needle and they gave that to me. He said that would take the edge off my pain. I asked him when it would start working and he said with your next push, I pushed and then I told him that he was wrong! but with the last push Noah Gabriel Wall was born at 4:35am on December 12 he was 19 inches long, 7 14.5 oz, and i kept saying i did it i did it, and he said yes you did kiddo great job!

When I looked at Noah for the first time I was a little scared, I wasn't sure what to expect with his looks. But he was perfect! I was so Happy! I never really believed people when they said that the pain gone when they held the baby in your arms, but my pain was completely gone as soon as Noah was out! I asked Dr Menzies if Noah was alive and he said no he didn't make it... He came around to me and explained that Noah had kicked out his cord and died from that. When he said that i remember the nurse asking him "is that the cord?" and he said yes. That is also when they took the heart beat monitor off, i just didn't realize that that was why. Noah had a strong heart beat up until then so I am sure if he would not have kicked out his cord he would have been born alive! But God knew what was best for us! We have so much to be thankful for, we have had great love and support, great Dr's through the whole thing and Dr Menzies was such a blessing! I am so glad that he was out Dr He was so kind and compassionate through the whole thing!

My Parents had come to the hospital around 11:30 pm already cause i was so close and they wanted to see Noah alive so they stayed there to be closer! I feel really bad for them because apparently my door was not closed and they could hear me from there. (I was not screaming or anything) But I can't imagine what they were going through as well hearing their daughter in pain. A couple of times while i was pushing I had asked the Dr can't you just pull him out? and apparently my dad was ready to come pull him out already cause the Dr wasn't doing it! I can't imagine what hearing all that did to their emotions! My Sister was also there and her bf. I think that was very good birth control for them lol. My aunt and Uncle were also there they are like second parents to us and they have been super supportive and loving! They next hour brought Hanks family and my family all in our room surrounding us with love. I was so proud of my baby boy! I love him so much! Janet Haslam then came to do our pictures for us as well we are so thankful that she did that for us! She and Rob are amazing!

Our Son, Noah Gabriel Wall

2008-12-17T15:19:00.006-06:00

It is with great joy and sorrow that we announce
the birth and passing of our dear son, Noah Gabriel.
He was born Friday, December 12, 2008 at 4:35am
He passed away about an hour and a half before he was born.

Noah weighed 7lbs 14.6oz

and was 19" long!

Noah Hello Goodbye(Song)

Wheres the navigator of your destiny?

Where is the dealer of this hand?

Who can explain life and its brevity

cause there is nothing here that I can understand

You and I have barely met

And I just don't want to let go of you yet

Chorus:

Noah, hello, goodbye

I will see you on the other side

Noah, sweet child of mine

I will see you on the other side

And so I hold your tiny hand in mine

For the hardest thing Ive ever had to face

Heaven calls for you before it calls for me

When you get there, save me a place

A place where I can share your smile

And I can hold you for more than just a while

He gives and takes away

My heart will choose to say

Lord, Blessed be your name.

Birth story to come once Mommy is feeling better.

Something i saw online. (Letter from baby)

2008-11-10T18:15:00.000-06:00

Dear Mom and Dad,

I wish that I could have said "good bye". It sometimes seems unfair that I was never able to say "hello". I'm OK now; everything is better. I miss you and always will, but I believe we will be together again, in time for all time. Right now, though, that seems likely an eternity. In time it will be for an eternity. Please, remember me, use my name, tell my family and your friends about me. Never forget me or pretend I didn't exist. Thanks for all you done for me. Mom, thanks for putting up with all of the changes in your body; thanks for everything you shared with me. Thanks for talking to me; I know your hopes and dreams for me. Thanks for the songs you sang, and for those gentle pats you gave me while I was floating inside you. You may not realize it, but the rhythmic contracting helped me rest peacefully and reassured me. As I grew I could feel your heart beating better and better, and it gave me such a wonderful sense of comfort. Thanks for tears you shed for me. I know you did everything you could for me and I am fortunate to have you for my Mother. I am sorry for the sadness and sorrow you have suffered. Dad, thanks for being there for Mom and me, it must have been so hard for you, trying to be so strong and brave for Mom, when you were confused, upset and afraid yourself. I will miss growing up with you, wrestling, being tossed in the air, just sitting on your lap learning how to use the TV remote control. Please don't ever forget about me. I will never forget about you. If there is something that I have learned, is that you will not find the answer to the 'why' of all of this, not now anyway. God did not make this happen, but He will help you live, love and laugh again. Sometimes that can seem very difficult when you hurt and want so badly answers. I want you to live today; be happy. Bring laughter back into the house. Dare to dream again. You know so much better than many that life is often so short and unpredictable. Tomorrow is never guaranteed. I would rather this be all a very bad nightmare, but I can't do nothing to change that now. However, you can make something good out of my death if you use it for an opportunity to love each other a little bit more, and reach out. There are so many hurting people out there who need a hand, or a hug or a 'hello' or just someone to listen. Don't be afraid to admit that you may be one of them. Be gentle with each other. On a clear, still night, look for me out there in the peace and quiet. Look up, not by the Big Dipper or the Milky Way, but over there in the corner of the sky. See that small, twinkling you never noticed before? One more thing before I go, thanks a lot for everything you did for me. Thanks for caring and sharing. Thanks for trying and crying. I love you lots. And Mom and Dad, "good bye", "good bye for just a little longer."

Love you

Getting Closer

2008-11-04T17:18:00.002-06:00

It has been a very busy month for Hank and I! We went to Thief River Falls over Thanksgiving weekend, we stayed at a place called 7 Clans Casino. It was a lot of fun other than the fact that i could not go down the water slides!! After Thanksgiving I also started working for Hank at his shop every mon-fri 10-6 That has been something to get used to! and I find myself tired all the time! The next weekend we left for Alberta at 4 in the morning friday and drove straight through to Lethbridge which is i think 13-14 hours. From the minute we got there we were busy till the min we left! The ride home we also drove straight through. I have really noticed how much that took out of me in the last 2 weeks! I was very thankful that i did not have any problems or go into labor early on either of the trips so our prayers were answered!!!

I have had a few appointments since i last posted one of them was with a new Dr. since mine is on vacation for a month. She was so good to us she had us in her office for 1 hour while she explained everything about going into labour and what to expect. Usually my appointments were only in and out. The next specialist appointment we had was a week after this one and we once again for the 5th time got to see Noah! They found out at this Ultrasound that he is now bum breech were as before he was feet first. They found some amnio fluid this time! not lots but it is better than none! His Tummy is still big they are saying that at 35 weeks his kidneys are the size of a full term baby. They also told me that they Had heard from my New Dr already! He was saying that there was finally some communication going on! They Had said that they will not induce me untill 1.5 weeks after my due date unless there are complications. so that means i have another 4-5 weeks to go if i make it full term!

I can't believe that i am almost 36 weeks already I guess for most couples time starts passing really slowly at this point because they are waiting for their healthy baby. But for us the time is passing much to quickly we are not ready for all the things that will go on after he is born, we are not ready and never will be ready to let him go...... I am starting to get so nervous, scared, sad, almost every emotion there is i think we are feeling at this point. It is starting to get really hard to see pregnant women and new babies and i see them all the time!! But with all the friends and there support and prayer support i know that we will make it through this storm! Thanks to everyone who has been Praying for us it is so much appreciated!!

Our 4th ultrasound

2008-10-04T17:52:00.005-05:00

Today we went to our fourth ultrasound! we were very excited to see Noah again! we got there and this time we only had to wait 5 min! we found out that instead of having very low fluid i now have none at all. Noah is still breech and she said that because there is no fluid that he would stay that way cause he won't be able to move that much. We got to see his face this time! I had asked her if everything looked normal on his face (because that is what i am most nervous about is what he will look like.) and she said every thing was fine! he had such a cute little face! it was still snuggled in the placenta so we couldn't see it to clearly but we saw it! As soon as i get the face pictures on cd i will post them!

Dr Reed came in again to take a look and answer some questions. I had to ask him some questions for my Dr about delivery and such. He was quite suprised that she had not contacted him yet cause he sent her all of his information along with info about MG. He asked us yet again if we were sure that we still wanted to be at boundry trails for the delivery. We told him that we would like to if it were possible, it looked like he wanted to say something but in the end he didn't. He also said that to induce me early would be very hard on me because it is my first pregnancy etc, so now it is sounding like they want me to go to full term. I still have mixed feelings about that!! He also said that Noah was in breech position but he was feet first instead of bum first which is really good for delivering (since that is how he is to be delivered.) And usually they are concerned about the head getting stuck but in our case the head is smaller so it shouldn't be a problem and also because of his big tummy it will pave the way for the head!

After we got our appointment for another 4 weeks and left, i started to wonder about delivering in winkler. Out here there are no specialists that have delt with this before so that is very scary for me! but on the other hand it is closer to home! I think that i am starting to lean towards having Noah in WPG because they have delivered babies like this before so they know excatly what to do! and if i can have Dr Reed as my Dr then i would feel very comfortable going out there! So we have a lot of thinking and praying to do about this and i find myself stessing about it. On a positive note just yesterday i think i felt Noah have the hiccups! i am not sure how that is supposed to feel but i have never had that feeling before it was soo neat! so i did research it and it sounds like that is what i felt! I love feeling all the movement!!!

Aug 29/2008 Another appointment in the city

2008-09-28T14:38:00.002-05:00

Mom and i went to smitties for breakfast this morning and then went to pick up Hank. We arrived for our appointment just in time! this time we only had to wait for half and hour intead of 2 hours! We had a different lady do our ultrasound today and she was really, really nice! We asked her if we would be able to get some pictures because we weren't able to get any from winkler and she said that wouldn't be a problem. In the end we got about 10 pictures!

With this ultrasound she was able to see more than they did last time. We saw that Noah has 6 little toes on each foot, and when she measured the kidneys she said that they were the size of a 31 week baby(I was 26 weeks at the time) so the stomach is bigger. She also noticed that Noah Has clubbed feet and she said that because of the stomach being bigger and not very much amnio fluid he is a bit squished in there so that is what caused that. ( There is not very much fluid because his kidneys are not working so he is not swallowing it as he should and then also not producing it.) They looked at the heart again, and the heart is still perfect! we saw his little fists and she counted his fingers and from what she could tell there were a normal 5 there!

When she got to the head she couldn't see very well because just like last time he is all snuggled up in the placenta. but she did find that there was a sack on the back of the head and she thinks that is where the brain is, and she also found that there was a covering on top of the head so it won't be open like they first thought. We couldn't believe how much had changed. Oh and at first when she had put the wand on my stomach she pulled it off and asked us if we knew what we were having. We told her yes and then she showed us why she pulled it off. Apparently our little man like to show off his stuff!

Dr Reed came in and also checked out the ultrasound . Then the geneticist came in and told us that they know excactly what is wrong with Noah and it is not anencephaly. He said that the extra toes and the polycistic kidneys and the brain in the pouch on the back of the head ment ne thing. Our little boy has Meckel Gruber. That was quite a shock for us becuse when he told us the chromesomes were fine we though that ment no meckel gruber. And meckel gruber is genetic so hank and i each had the gene. (out of 40,000 genes) wow. that also means that everytime that we get pregnant we have a 1-4 chance of it happening again. they asked us again if we were related because it is so rare for 2 people to have the same gene and again we told them no. That was so depressing to hear.

2008-09-27T18:06:00.003-05:00

The day after our ultrasound Hank stayed home from work with me. We didn't really know what to do, we just didn't have the energy. We got a call from winnipeg Health Science at 3 that day telling us that we had an appointment for 1030am tomorrow with the specialist. We couldn't believe how fast that was!

Aug 1/2008- Today we are on our way to the city to find out some more info. We decided that we wanted to know the sex of our baby so we were going to ask them if they would do that for us. We waited in the waiting room for 2 hours before finally getting called in. We had a 45 min ultrasound with the tech, and then Dr Reed came in. At this ultrasound he actually showed us our baby we could watch the whole time on the screen!( in winkler you just lie there looking at the back of the moniter). We asked him if he could tell us if we were having a boy or girl and he said that he would try but the baby wasn't cooperating. He showed us the babys heart, the kidneys the legs and arms, they couldn't get a good look at the head though because the baby was squished into the placenta. But we saw the ear and mouth opening and closing! Then all of a sudden he said "oh i know what you are having" the baby had just spread its legs and we got a really close view! we are having a boy! the name we decided on was Noah Gabriel.

He then took us into his office and said they think that it is Anencephaly but there is a chance because of the kidneys that it might be something called Meckel Gruber. He showed us some textbook pictures and they were pretty scary! but we really didn't think that, that was what it was. He then asked us if we were wanting to "induce" the labour or if we were wanting to carry till full term. Inducing was a really polite word for what they were meaning! but we told them that we were carrying till full term.

We were then sent to the Geneticist and he asked us so many questions! one of them was if we were related! lol. But i guess they have to ask that cause some people are. he explaind to us an amniocentesis and that they would test the babys chromesomes to see if they were ok. but there was a 1 in 200 chance that might cause a miscarrage but we decided that we would do it. That was one of the scariest things i have ever had done to me! but i made it through lol. Once we were done that we were finally able to go home at 4:00.

I got a phone call from the geneticist at work 2 weeks later! when i heard it was him on the phone i was soo scared! but he told us that the babys chromesomes were normal, so that is one thing that we do not have to worry about!

Baby News

2008-09-24T21:02:00.007-05:00

This is a recap since i only started blogging now.

April 8, 2008 Hank and I found out that we were going to have a baby! We were very excited. We waited till I was 10 weeks before we told anyone, that was the longest 6 weeks of my life. ( I am not very good at keeping secrets!) Everyone was excited, it was the first grandchild on my side of the family and the second on Hanks side.

I have been having a great pregnancy so far, haven't been sick or anything else, so i don't know why i had a nagging feeling at my Drs appointment. I asked my Dr if everything was going ok and she said that from all the tests and stuff that she had done everything was fine. I went home still feeling uneasy, I even asked my friends if they felt this way right before their ultrasound so i could feel a bit better about it.

July 30/2008 Ultrasound!

Today we are going to see our baby, and i am still feeling uneasy. I even was telling Hank that if there was something wrong at least i knew that i did everything i was suppposed to do to have a healthy pregnancy.

We get to the Hospital and the lady takes me in. ( In our hospital only the mom goes in till the tech is done their stuff.) We made small talk and i had asked her if there was any problems if our Dr would let us know, she said yes they would call. After a while she told me to go empty my bladder cause it was to full and she couldn't see the baby properly. (later on i remembered that i had asked her if my bladder was a good size cause i only drank the water 1/2 hour before i came instead of 1 1/2 hours. and she said that my bladder was the perfect size!) I go to the bathroom and come back into the room and she is not there. So i take a look at the computer screen so i could see my baby, but i had no idea what was what on there!

She comes back into the room ( and grabs some kleenex, i didn't think anything of it.) with a Dr and he said he was going to take a look, buy that time i am so nervous i just know that something is wrong! He askes me a few questions and then looks at me and says " There is something very wrong with your baby, let me go and get your husband." As he says that the nurse hands me the kleenex since i was crying so hard. They asked me what my husbands name was and i could hardly spit it out! On his way back with Hank he tells him that there is something wrong with the babys brain. ( i guess he wanted to warn him a bit cause to walk into a room with me crying would be a bit of a shock). Hank walks in with the Dr and takes my hand, as the Dr tells us that our babys brain didn't develope at all from what they could tell. The skull was missing from the eyebrows up, and our babys kidneys were also enlarged. He told us that it was called Anencephaly and our baby was not compatible with life. The Lady took us through a back door so that we didn't have to walk through all the waiting rooms.

I had to call my work and tell them I would not come in for the next couple of days, cause i was planning to go back after the ultrasound. After that i called my mom at work, and as soon as i heard her on the phone i started to cry harder, i tried to tell her that there was something wrong with the baby and she was supposed to come home. She tells me "Vikki calm down i can't understand you". (my sister when she is sad or excited sounds like i did i guess!) I told her that it was me and explained everything again.

We get to my mom and dads house and i go into the house, my dad was standing there and i ran up to him huged him and started to cry again. He finally askes me what is wrong ( mom hadn't told him yet) I felt bad cause he had no idea what was going on! He said his mind was going miles a min trying to figure it out. Meanwhile mom had a hard time coming home cause she forgot she didn't have a vehical and couldn't get ahold of anyone, so she started to walk till someone from work saw her walking and picked her up. It was a very emotional day for everybody! we spent most of the evening at my parents house then went to Hanks parents for a bit. It still just feels like a dream!