Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Baby Wall #3

So on March 30th in the afternoon was our first ultrasound (12 weeks) I had been very nervous, scared, excited, and really tried to be calm and have faith that no matter what the outcome God is there for us. We get to the ultrasound room and the tech started the ultrasound, she was looking around for awhile but I had already seen. I seen that the neural tube had not closed and there was a puffyness around the baby's head which is part of the brain. I desperately tried to convince myself that maybe I didn't know what I was seeing and that the baby was fine. Deep down I knew that I was seeing the brain. (also we have been to at least 8 ultrasounds with the last 2 babies so I kinda new what I was looking for and at already). Hank then asked the tech if the baby was healthy, before she responded I looked at Hank and shook my head, and she then said no I am sorry this baby has Meckel Gruber. I couldn't believe my ears even though I already knew, why are asked to give up another baby, how am I going to handle and get through this again? She was so kind and just rubbed my arm as I broke down on the bed. They got the Dr in as well to confirm and take another look and he also said that he could see the kidneys already ( which you never should be able to at 12 weeks) so that was another sign that it is again MG. After that we just wanted to go home so we didn't speak to the geneticist or anything at this visit.

At our second ultrasound at 16.5 weeks we saw that the kidneys are huge!( from cysts) and from what I can tell will be bigger than Noah's. we saw the extra finger on each hand and the extra toe on each foot ( the third and final marker of Meckel Gruber) We found out that we are having another boy! and his name is Quinton Oliver. It is so hard to see our baby with such a big belly and the brain that is partway outside his scull. I know I shouldn't feel this way since there isn't anything that we can do to change the outcome since it is genetic, but I feel like a horrible mother that I cant have all healthy kids.

at 17 weeks I started to feel him kick and he is a strong one!! With Noah I felt it at 21 weeks and with Zander at 19 weeks. I was startled to find out that you could feel it so soon! He moves soooo much almost constant and I love feeling it especially since it is one of the few things I get bond with and to keep in my memory. We are doing ok, and are so thankful to everyone who brought us suppers and for their prayers they DO help!! I felt like I hadn't morned this baby at all yet and was almost feeling bad cause it was like I was just trying to forget about it and pretend it wasn't happening which was easier when I couldn't feel him move. but just this last week has been horrible for me i find myself crying sometimes for and hour straight trying to stop but not able to. and this went on for the whole week, I guess it needed to come out and it was probably good for me to cry. So please keep us in your prayers as we have to go through this all again! Our next ultrasound is June 8th and we are looking forward to seeing him again since we get about 40 min of just watching him on the screen every time and its amazing and special!

On a cute note if I ask Zander where Mommy's baby is he pats my belly, hugs and kisses it and it warms my heart every time:)